Bah Humbug! The Christmas Curmudgeon’s Survival Guide
If you’re like me, you’re already burnt out on all this holiday cheer. It’s not even Thanksgiving yet, and already, radio stations have been “Rockin’ Around the Christmas Tree” non-stop. This onslaught of seasonal sap started even before Halloween with Christmas items stacked on shelves before all of the trick or treat goodies were handed out!
If the Christmas spirit’s got you down, you may not be able to take a blowtorch to Frosty the Snowman (or better yet, pitch a Yule Log at him, for a festive touch!), but you can Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas with these few survival tips:
1. If your co-worker insists upon blaring Christmas music non-stop from one of the countless radio stations that play it 24-7 until the end of the year, have some headphones handy. Or, take it to a “Do The Right Thing”/Spike Lee level and counter-act with some of your own holiday hits. Recommended album choices include: Psychostick’s “The Flesh Eating Rollerskate Holiday Joyride” (hilarious hardcore metal!); Insane Clown Posse’s “Carnival Christmas”; and Twisted Sister‘s “Twisted Christmas.” For a real Christmas kicker, head over to iTunes to download my personal favorite Christmas-themed song, Blink 182’s “I Won’t Be Home for Christmas.”
2. Stock up on some appropriately warped seasonal film fare at the video store or on your Netflix queue. The Grinch (animated or with Jim Carey) is always a great choice, but there are a few other overlooked picks. Holiday horror films often mix in a lot of humor, so you can get your jollies with such films as “Santa Slay” (featuring wrestler Goldberg as an evil Santa Claus!); “Jack Frost” (not the one with Michael Keaton, which is actually a pretty sweet movie), the horror film with a demented snowman; and “Silent Night, Deadly Night” (either the original or the remake). Bill Murray’s “Scrooged” is also a fun choice!
3. Dress up in some costumes to showcase your misanthropic spirit! The Grinch or Ebeneezer Scrooge are tried and true favorites. You can try something different and hilariously warped with a Jolly Old St. Crook Mask, made of latex and featuring a faux-fur bearded Santa head with his red-and-white hat pulled down over his eyes, robber-style! This guy won’t leave presents under your tree, but he’ll take ’em! Leave out some cookies and milk… or else!!
Follow these tips and yule be sure to get through the holidays with what little sanity you have left intact!